Scene 1: some kind of boardroom
Players: exec, pitch-guy, writer
Exec: So the guy says, 'you can paint my house!'
Pitch-guy laughs uproariously. Writer smiles, uncomfortable. Anyway. What've you got for me?
Pitch-guy: A brand-new house in Malibu with a fully insured tennis court.
E: That good?
Writer: It's a classic of ancient lit- (foot is stomped by P)
P: It's great. The glamour of ancient Greece, with the issues of today. Quo-Vadis meets Stepmom.
E: (looking dubious) Not such a hot recommendation.
W: Well it's not exactly true.
P: (to the rescue) It's not a downer. (pauses) Well, there's no cancer.
E: What then? Spies? Sports? Spiritual reaffirmation?
W: Revenge. Good old everybody-gets-it, can't-escape-the-grasping-hands-of-fate revenge. With togas.
P: Hercules meets the First Wives' Club.
E: You may have something. You say there's lots of violence?
P: Tons. Scorned wife kills competition, competition's father, kills her own kids…
E: So maybe a Susan Smith thing…
P: You've got tremendous thriller potential. Fatal Attraction meets…meets…
W: (deadpan) 435 B.C.
Phone rings. Exec picks up: (into receiver) He wants a 90% scale mock-up of what? Who does he think he is, King of the World? Get him on the line.
P: (coughs) Well?
E: (into receiver) No, I won't talk to his publicist. (to pitch-guy) You using a scale model in this thing?
P: No.
E: Heck. Sure. Go raise hell.

Opening Credits:
Title Card: MEDEA or Men Really Suck
Cut to: shot of red food coloring billowing in bowl of water
Title Card: by Karin Lewicki, w/ the assistance of Kalani's spankin' new camcorder
Cut to: shot of red food coloring billowing in glass of water
Title Card: Starring: [names]
Cut to: Karin and Carrie inexpertly trying to get food coloring to billow in casserole dish of water

Scene 2: Courtyard
Players: Nurse, Tutor, child's voices 1 & 2, Medea's voice
Nurse: (in open Janet "if only my hand weren't stuck to my face" parody) If only Jason had never sailed after the Golden Fleece! If only my mistress Medea had never fallen in love with him! If only she hadn't killed her brothers and her father and a bunch of other people to help him! If only Jason hadn't thrown her aside like yesterday's lettuce for King Creon's daughter! If only we lived in the age of support groups or divorce lawyers or even a little valium!
Medea: (offstage) (screams)
N: Especially a little valium.
Tutor: (strolling onscreen) What's that? Talking to yourself again?
N: Just bringing everyone up to date.
T: You mean about Jason? How he dumped Medea for a 16-year-old with a crown and big tits and a heated indoor stadium? I hear Medea's taking it pretty badly.
M: (screams offstage, again)
N: Yes. Where'd you leave the kids?
T: They're around here somewhere.
(patter of little feet. Nurse and Tutor appear to be watching the approach of two children too short to fit in the camera frame)
Child 1 voice: eh-o Nurse.
N: Hello children. Avoid your mother. I'm afraid she's going to kill you.
Child 2 voice: okay nice lady.
N: I'm not a nice lady, I'm your bond slave.
Child 2 voice: Okay nice lady, love you, buh-bye.
(patter of little feet. Nurse and Tutor appear to watch children go off)
T: Sometimes I think they'd be better off getting raised by wolves. So Medea's upset, eh? Wait'll she hears the news.
N: What news?
T: (moving off, kind of fast) Oh, nothing. You'll see.
N: You know, men really suck.

Scene 3: Hallway, Carrie's room

Players: Medea, Nurse

Camera tracks very slowly and ominously down hallway. Possibly featuring brief focus on red velvet curtains/cloth.
Medea: (during hallway tracking) Oh, what misery, what wretchedness! (pause, howl) If only I were dead!
Camera very slowly angles into room and centers on Medea
M: Do I not suffer? Am I not wronged? Should I not weep?
Nurse: Well, you know, these things happen. He's at that age. If it wasn't this, it would be a flaming red convertible chariot. What can you do?
M: But she's like, 12!
Doorbell rings
N: Now who can that be? I hope the children aren't ordering Tabouli-to-go, again.
Medea sobs and puts her head in her hands


Scene 4: Doorway, Living Room Players: Nurse, Chorus, Medea

Nurse opens door onto Chorus

Chorus: So what's the dish? Tell me, nurse. As I stood by the door I heard Medea Crying inside the palace. My own heart suffers too When Jason's house is suffering; For that is where my loyalty lies.
Nurse: Jason's house? It no longer exists; all that is finished Jason is a prisoner in a princess' bed; and Medea in her room Drowns in tears. No friend can give her comfort.
Medea: (from within her room) Come, flame from the sky, pierce through my head!
Ch: She wants to spontaneously combust?
N: Not exactly.
Ch: (walking over to door) Meddy honey? Me-de-a. They're all like this, you know. You can't get worked up about it. You know, just last week Agamemnon brought Cassandra home to Clytemnestra, Helen's sister, honey, not the kind you throw over in a minute. And here he's bringing home this 14 year old. And do you know what's worse? She's a prophetess. All the time crying aloud about poor Clytemnestra dead, or worse, wrinkly. (by now she's kind of pawing at the door) You outta come out. You'll feel better. And I've got a whole new Avon line here you've got to see.
M: (the door opens, very slowly) Really?


Scene 5: Kitchen, upper backyard dream sequence, Kitchen
Players: Medea, Nurse, Chorus, Jason, various extras, Creon, Aegus

(Medea, Nurse, and Chorus are seated at dinette, surrounded by various makeup products)
Chorus: Well you know, the truth is, men really suck.
(Nurse puts a clip in Medea's hair)
Medea: (in poetic cadence) Surely, of all creatures that have life and will, we women are the most wretched. Aphrodite determines who we love, our fathers who we marry. No matter whom we follow there's no knowing if the man is good... (falls back into ordinary speech) until he runs off on you.
N: (pats hand) There, there. Although…he was a handsome devil.
Ch: And glamorous. Going somewhere that one, always a gleam in his eye.
M: (sorts idly through the lipsticks, getting wistful) I remember…
Cut to: courtyard dream sequence
Jason's boat is pushed across the splash pool
M: (v/o) when he came to Colchis, in his splendid ship, across the deep forbidding ocean.
N: (v/o) We Greeks prefer the phrase "wine-dark sea."
M: (v/o) Whatever.
Cut to: Jason in breastplate and helm, w/ puppet Argonauts
M: (v/o) He was so lovely. I knew right then I'd do anything to be with him.
Dumbshow proceeds to background music Love Theme from The Breakfast Club. Pan slowly from Jason to Medea. Various people standing close by are waving silk ribbons for romantic effect. She looks swoony. Pan back to Jason. He holds up hands, sock puppet argonauts are removed, Jason and Medea fall into each other's arms. When they withdraw, Jason pulls a scroll from his belt. He unrolls it, to reveal a crude cartoon of the golden fleece. Nodding, she takes him by the hand a few feet over where there is Phaedrus the dragon puppet guarding the fleece. Medea pulls out a bow and arrow. Person steps up with placard indicating it is a magic arrow. Medea shoots Phaedrus, gives fleece to Jason. They turn to leave and are confronted by Medea's brother (in clearly labeled toga). She shoots him. Jason and Medea then run down the backyard stairs hand in hand.
Cut back to kitchen table
Ch: Not a big favorite back at home these days, are you?
M: (very cold) No.
There's a knock on the interior courtyard door
Ch: (briskly) Well. I guess I'll just go see who that is.
She gets up from the dinette. Medea scoots out too, and turning away from the camera, straightens herself out into a kind of statuesque pose. Creon enters.

Scene 8: Courtyard

Players: Tutor, Child's voices 1 &2, Nurse, Medea, Paris, Athena, Aphrodite, Hera, various puppets

Nurse walks out into courtyard and over to steps, on which tutor is sitting and awkwardly clutching his ankle, appearing to be conversing with the children, who are out of frame at the bottom of the stairs.
Nurse: Showing them your war wounds again, a re you?
Tutor: Madam, I am describing the heroic wounds of Achilles.
N: Ah. Would that be the heroic blister, the heroic corns, the heroic fallen arches?
T: (still clutching ankle) It would be the golden heel of a mighty hero, which Thetis held when she dipped him in the Styx … (realizes himself, sits up again) Anyway I was just fi nishing the battle of Achilles and…and…
N: Paris. You should start mixing your wine with a little more water, I think.
T: (gives Nurse an evil look) Well it's not easy keeping the two longest epics in the known world, plus appendices and apocrypha, in your no ggin for the delectation of twits like to be offed at any minute.
Child voice 1: Noggin!
Child voice 2: Offed!
N: Would you not be morbid in front of the children? For heavens sake tell them something cheerful. Acteon, maybe. Or the Rape of the Sabine Women.
T: (huffy) I will tell them the Iliad.
Medea: (calling from inside the house) Nurse! Where are my children?
N: Make it snappy.
T: Children, you've heard, haven't you, of the three goddesses Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite? Well, once upon a time they were quarreling with one another over who was the most beautiful. So they visited Priam's son Paris
(Cut to Paris, seated in upper yard, looking very surprised as camera approaches him)
to ask him which on he liked best. To make sure they had his attention, they went naked.
N: Sir! These are children!
T: Don't worry, you old biddy, this is a family show. Anyway, as I was saying. They appeared
(Cut to three women, in sheets/Tshirts/pillowcases reading Buck Naked, Bare-Ass Naked, and Nude, respectively.)
Before him, and told him to choose. Now, even though they were naked and beckoning, he could tell that Hera was a jealous shrew, and that Athena was a bookworm with helmet hair. So he chose Aphrodite, who in return promised to shack him up with Helen, who just so happened to be married at the time. So Paris set off to steal Helen,
(Cut to boat being pushed across splash pool)
And scooted back to Troy
(Cut to boat being pushed back)
With most every available able-bodied Akhean after him.
Cut to a pile of little boats (wind-up toys, etc.) going across splash pool
Troy was beseiged.
(Cut to wooden spoon catapult spraying fortress (gingerbread house?) with mini-marshmallows, things getting lit on fire)
But nothing much seemed to work until the Akheans constructed a huge horse, which they all crept into. Being thick, the Trojans pulled the huge horse inside
(Cut to My Little Pony being pulled into the, past the, fortress)
And that night the Akhean warriors sprang out and killed most everybody
(Cut to mini-mayhem of the fortress, the horse, etc. on fire, people screaming, etc.)
Except Helen, who they took back home. A lot of the warriors wanted to kill her, but her husband Menelaus said
Cut to frontal view of soldier in big Trojan helm, who says into camera: Women are like that.

Scene 9: Living room, bedroom

Players: Medea, Nurse, Children's voices and hands 1&2

Nurse comes in, appearing to herd two children in before her
Medea: Hello children
Child voice 1: Eh-o mummy
Child voice 2: Hello nice lady
M: What did you call me? Well, nevermind. Children, I have an important task for you. You must take this (she hoists a package and places it into the hands appearing in the bottom of the frame) and this (another package, another pair of hands) to your daddy's new floozy.
Child voice 2: Floozy
M: (approving mommy voice) Yes, that's right. Then run along back here afterwards. But children, be very careful not to touch what's inside the packages.
Ch v 2: Why?
M: Because I'll be very sad.
Ch v 1: Awwww.
M: Exactly. Now, run along.

Scene 10: living room, kitchen

Players: Medea, messenger, puppets, Nurse, Chorus, Jason

Camera directly on Medea, who talks directly to it
Medea: Now, you may all have been wondering how I make those fabulous poisons I'm so famous for. Well, because I believe no woman should be without a little extra edge to keep the occasional monster or man in line, I'm going to show you. Here, let's go into my kitchen.
(walks past camera to door of kitchen, turns, beckons with finger)
Cut to kitchen, where all sorts of things have been set out in a careful and preparatory kind of fashion. Medea is now wearing an apron.)
M: Today, we'll be making one of the more dramatic poisons, Yellow Lesion Surprise. You'll need hemlock, nightshade, sulfur, arsenic, some straight edge razors…hens' teeth, hounds blood, and smidge of baking soda. Now, so that you'll have an idea of the effect you're looking for, I'll give you a quick glimpse of the finished product.
(Medea turns and pulls a bubbling, fizzling, blue liquid from the fridge/oven. As she holds it out, winsomely to the camera, there's a desperate knock on the interior courtyard door)
All right, all right.
(sets concoction down and goes to door)
Messenger: (practically falls inside the door, aquiver with horror, etc.) How could you do it?
M: I don't know. Who exactly did I do it to?
Mes: the lovely princess. Her royal father. Oh, what a nightmare of death and baleful torment!
M: Enough lead in, get to the story.
Mes: Well…. Well. Your children came, armed with their evil presents. The young princess was swayed by them, and your husband's words, and the gold she saw glinting in the wrappings.
(Cut to: Puppet princess with open boxes stuffed w/ gold tissue paper lying at her feet.)
She took the embroidered gown and put it round her.
(Cut to Puppet princess in gown. From here on out, we follow the princess acting out the story the messenger is telling)
Then she placed over her curls the golden coronet, and began to arrange her hair in a bright mirror. To and fro she stepped daintily about the room, gazing at the dress from every angle. And then, oh Zeus, a dreadful change came over her. She collapsed upon the floor, froth on her lips, eyes closed. The blood had drained from her face, she was completely white, and a deathly quiet fell over us all. But then she began to scream and thrash about, and it seemed that blood was now upon the clothes, and the circlet about her head, it burst into flame. All was horror and disorder and none would touch her, save her father.
And as for Creon, finding his child collapsed in agony, he at once took her in his arms, taking too a share of the same poison.
(Cut back to messenger. Medea is all voluptuous, self-satisfied attention)
Now both are dead, and all is calamity.
M: How nice. Can I get you something to drink?
Mes: Well, maybe a pepsi - (suddenly realizes he is about to accept something from a crazed murderess) although, on second thought, that's not necessary. I'm sure they'll be needing me back at the palace. I think I ought to just…(he makes it out the door) go.
M: (Chorus) It's almost like being back at home.
N: (from where she's been standing near the door) I think I see the children coming back.
M: Really? They've done so well, I feel inclined to mercy. I'm not such an awful parent, you know. I know their names. I take them out sometimes, when they've been dressed to color coordinate with my toga. (asking the Chorus:) Do you think I ought to spare them? Take them with me to Athens?
Ch: Well, childless people are always whining and needing pity, but to be honest I really just pity parents. Some children are wonderful, but I wonder if they aren't just decoys set to trick other people into reproducing. In the end, childlessness may be better; it's easier on the furniture.
(Medea doesn't look truly convinced)
And then there's you yourself. You left the only home you ever knew to follow a man who…well, you know. And dear, she got the better wedding. And the bigger ring.
M: All right. (gets dramatic) Come, you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, and fill me from the crown to the toe top-full of direst cruelty. Come, thick night, and pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell, that my keen knife see not the wound it makes, nor Heaven peep through the blanket of the dark! (looks to Nurse, who indicates that the children are, essentially, behind the sofa. Medea goes over there, wielding knife that has mysteriously appeared in her hand. There are cries, and two rather reddened and mauled dolls (labeled Child 1 & Child 2?) are flung about)
N: (entering) Oh yuck. You know, Medea, I didn't think you'd go and do it. I thought you maybe had some serious abandonment issues, a little edge of menopause, really delayed postpartum…
J: (suddenly appearing at door) You bitch! What have you done!
M: Zeus the father of all knows well what service I once rendered you, and how you have repaid me. You were mistaken if you thought you could dishonor my bed and live a pleasant life and laugh at me. Now, if you'll excuse me (bending to pick up dolls. Holds sort of inelegantly), I'm going to Athens, where I will create a foundation that holds a yearly banquet in memoriam, to expiate this impious murder. (walks through screen door. All are dumbfounded. At approx the courtyard tree, turns and:) And Jason, you still suck.

Scene 11: living room, interior courtyard

Players: Karin, musicians, interpretive dancer

Placard: Coda, and interview with Karin Lewicki
Karin: (in baseball cap reading "Big Al," holds copy of Medea up to camera and makes stagey circles with it a la Pacino's Richard III) You know, Medea is a very complex, complicated, moving play. It speaks to us about issues that touch our innermost selves, and crucial aspects of our lives. In order to more fully understand how this play has changed you, you should feel free to respond in a creative fashion. Keep a dream journal, or maybe sculpt in clay. Interpretive dance is always a fine way to respond to art, especially art you have to appreciate by sitting down for a long period of time. In fact, to give you an idea of this kind of response, we have an art lover here to perform one for you.
Interpretive Dancer: (very earnest) This is my interpretive dance of Medea. (music plays and ID dances. Should start out very "O, Woe," move through Anger to "Eureka," then lots of violence. After pantomiming strangulation, ID appears to wipe away a tear, then flip off some imaginary person. Then she bows.)
K: (camera pans to where she stands, clapping) Why thank you, that was revelatory. (to camera) I hope you've enjoyed our Medea. Please tune in next time for our combined triple header of Titus Andronicus, Electra, and The Eumenides, titled Bathhouse of Blood.
(Possibly closing music, slow pan around bookshelves & across Carrie's desk)

FIN